


No One Ever Said It Would Be This Hard (The Scientist)

by addictedtopeetamellark



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 03:29:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5032051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/addictedtopeetamellark/pseuds/addictedtopeetamellark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look from Peeta’s perspective when he realizes he’s lost the only dream that’s ever really mattered to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No One Ever Said It Would Be This Hard (The Scientist)

**Author's Note:**

> A short outtake from “The Call”. These events take place with chapter One and Two.  
> Round 6: Peeta’s paintbox.

*****

Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.

All day long he got stares from everyone around him. It wasn’t just that his mood was aloof and distant but he was continuously making mistakes that were unusual for him. 

Having been raised in a bakery, the process of making bread was like a second nature, so ingrained in his brain that his hands moved from the inertia rather thought. Never any need to measure or time; never ruined entire batches unless making experiments; never burned bread; never making anything inedible. Anyone who knew Peeta Mellark, knew he was born to bake, that the family business was as part of genetics as were the blond hair and blue eyes. Today on the other hand, Peeta Mellark was useless.

After what he considered to be the shittiest weekend of his entire existence, he awoke this bright and cheerful Monday morning, feeling more drained and tired than ever before. The headache was so bad he felt the throbbing just had to be visible to anyone who bothered to look at him. He was sleep deprived and dehydrated. Under different circumstances, he might even be hungry given that he hadn’t eaten in two days, but his stomach was twisted into so many knots, there was no way he could digest food right now.

Not even during his college years and heavy partying did he ever experience the kind of pain he was enduring at the moment. Although it wasn’t just the physical aspect that was making him so miserable and dysfunctional; his heart was broken, his soul was mangled, there was a strange tingling sensation on his skin that he swore was real and his mind…his mind was like a witch’s cauldron boiling over with so much information and not enough clarity. He couldn’t make sense of anything that has been happening to him as of late. It’s as if the fates had all gathered to destroy one Peeta Mellark. The only thing that was clear to him was that his inside matched his outside. He was a piece of shit.

Take me back to the start…

The series of unfortunate events began last Friday afternoon. Peeta had been planning to spend a quiet yet very romantic weekend with his live-in girlfriend of one month, today. Katniss Everdeen had been his high school sweetheart and for Peeta, the only girl-woman worth looking at, even all these years later, through highs and lows, every time he looked at her it was as if it was for the first time. It took them a while to save enough money to be able to take this step into their relationship. It had always been the plan since graduating college but Katniss had started interning for a very important firm the week after graduating. The opportunity was great, one that couldn’t be passed up but the pay wasn’t. Still, two years later, after long hours and hard work, she finally proved herself earning her own spot within the company’s payroll, granting her benefits as well as a raise. Peeta on the other hand worked at his family’s bakery along with his brother, Rye. He had earned a degree in Merchandising with a minor in art. His dream, as well as his two siblings (Will, the eldest was a lawyer currently in culinary school), was to expand the bakery one day and make Mellark’s a household word; the place that everyone would want to go, the food everyone would want to eat. But given that his parents were still paying college loans for the three boys, the expansion would just had to wait as well as cashing in on larger profits.

So Katniss and Peeta waited, having to put up with the other’s roommates (they each had two) until their pockets were full enough to be together on their own.

As it turns out, the decision was made for them. Although their financial situation still wasn’t what they would have wanted, the opportunity arose when Madge up and married Gale (both Katniss’ BFF’s) and Annie moved to France, all within a matter of weeks. Suddenly, Katniss was left alone, without her closest friends, without roommates and with a lease that she couldn’t afford on her own. It was now or never.

With a month into their new living arrangements, Peeta couldn’t be happier. He loved coming home to their place. He loved waking up to Katniss. He loved their privacy and the freedom that entitled. He loved sharing the space, and teasing her about her disorderly habits. He loved making plans for a future, together. Katniss had been the only woman Peeta has ever loved but she was also all that he would ever want or need. Other women would on occasion come into the bakery and either flirt or insinuate themselves to him. Some rather shamelessly, but he never felt the temptation or curiosity of how another pair of arms might fit; how another’s skin might feel, other lips might taste. Rye constantly chastised him for being so committed to just one person so young. Peeta didn’t care. There would never be anyone for him but Katniss.

Then there was Finnick. Best friend extraordinaire with a personal life similar to a Shakespearean tragedy, and the reason Annie fled to France. Finn was proof to Peeta that happiness was yours for the taking if and when you appreciate and value what’s already yours, which Finn did not. Now on a direct path to self destruction, Peeta ever so often feels the responsibility to look after him, which is how Finn always manages to weasel his way into Peeta’s plans. So the weekend of romance was interrupted for a night of alcohol and debauchery. Peeta doesn’t want to judge his friend since it must be difficult to be in his position, having lost the most important person in his life because of his excessive carelessness.

It wasn’t until Peeta awoke the next morning that he even realized the gravity of the situation in which he found himself. He rushed home as fast as humanly possible. He felt sick with himself. He couldn’t understand what had happened. How is it he was naked in strange bed with a strange woman in what was apparently her home? The used condoms were evidence of what he’d done but….why? He threw up several times while he showered. No matter how much he scrubbed he felt unclean. How could he let this happen? He stared at the girl’s face for a moment before he left; she was young, too young. Nothing about her rang a bell except for the long dark braid. Did he even know her name? Did that matter? He broke into sobs and ran out of that apartment fast.  
Katniss.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling your puzzles apart…

He scrubbed and scrubbed his skin and couldn’t stop feeling dirty. His head was pounding, he was so hung over. For the life of him he couldn’t remember much after about the fourth beer. Just how drunk did he get and why did Finn or the other guys let him hook up with a total stranger? There’s a code in which they look out for each other. Just then he has a flashback of big brown eyes and a black bra. He needed to grip the back of a chair. The flashbacks began to inundate his mind one after another making his knees feel week; his hand up a short skirt, the sound of fabric tearing as he yanked the blouse off the girl’s shoulders, female laughter, keys jingling, pounding music, hips grinding under a strobe light, desperately yanking off a bra that the poor girl must have some sort of burn mark on her torso, long pale legs wrapped around his waist, large soft breasts, a nipple piercing…

“You have to stop and let me open the door.” She laughed.  
He couldn’t breathe. Was this even real?

Questions of science; science and progress do not speak as loud as my heart

Katniss just sat there staring at nothing for two days. She didn’t speak, didn’t move. It’s as if she weren’t even there. That scared and mortified Peeta. It was like looking at her mother right after her father passed away. The difference was that Peeta wasn’t dead although it felt like she was saying that they were dead. He cried enough for the both of them and begged. He doesn’t think he had ever begged as much in his life. He would grovel at her feet if that made her look beyond his stupidity. But there she sits, looking tired and sad. He wishes she’d yell, show some emotion, any emotion. He’s so desperate for anything but most of all, he’s desperate to know that there is the possibility to get past this, that their love is strong enough to survive. It doesn’t even seem like she can hear him and he gets angry. Maybe if he riles her up she’ll react and at least they can fight it out. She won’t look at him. He’s afraid to touch her; he’s too tainted to touch her.

He can see the cogs turning in her head and that scares him more than her silence. What was she thinking? He was out of things to say. Peeta Mellark had no words.

Fatigue won them over, finally late Sunday night. Peeta awoke with a mean crick in his neck for having slept in that uncomfortable chair. Katniss was balled up asleep on the far end of the couch. It was obvious she didn’t want to touch their bed.  
So he left on his very early shift Monday morning unsure of what she’d have waiting for him that night.

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Silence.  
Their apartment was dead silent when he walked in, but that wasn’t strange, she wasn’t due home from work for several hours. That gave him time to prepare her favorite meal for her. It wouldn’t fix anything but he was seriously out of ideas.

At the bakery, they were worried at how distracted Peeta seemed. His mind was elsewhere that was obvious.. Never has Mellark’s dumped so much bread and pastries. Peeta didn’t notice, just like he hasn’t noticed that Katniss’ toiletries weren’t in the bathroom. Her towel hung in the usual place but then again, that had been their towel and when she left, she took nothing they ever shared.

He didn’t notice that her father’s jacket wasn’t hanging on the peg behind the bedroom door or that Katniss’ family pictures weren’t on their spot on the hallway wall. He walked into the kitchen and after taking a couple of ibuprofen and drinking a lot of water he fell asleep on the counter.

He awoke with a start, sitting in the darkness of the kitchen. The whole apartment was dark for that matter. When he fell asleep there was still late afternoon and no need for lights. How long had he been sleeping? He made his way to the nearest light switch, when it dawned on him that Katniss still wasn’t home. A cold chill crept up his spine, unease deep in his stomach. It wasn’t strange for her to be home late from work at times. Of course she’d always call but given that she was angry with him at the moment. 

Her cell sent him straight to voice mail. No surprise there.

So he proceeded to make lasagna. He wanted to make lamb stew but needed to go to the store and since he’d already wasted so much of the evening on his nap. He chilled a bottle of her favorite wine, made garlic bread and set the table. He pulled a blanket and pillow out to the couch, sure that she wouldn’t let him share their bed and he proceeded to wait. 

And waited…

…and waited.

The clock on the mantle read half past ten and still no Katniss. He must have left a dozen voice mails. He was worried for her safety but panicking about her absence. She could have decided she needed the space and decided to crash with one of her friends, maybe Johanna. He should have anticipated such a reaction. The feeling of dread was only growing stronger. He forced himself to eat. It was obvious she would not be showing up to enjoy this meal. After he had the kitchen cleaned up he tried to distract himself with a television show but couldn’t. He just couldn’t shut his mind. He needed to see her. His heart was beating erratically at this point. Something wasn’t right. So he began to pace, first around the living room then adding the kitchen until he was pacing the whole apartment. It was then that he finally noticed. He’d stop to look at a picture of the two of them from Gale and Madge’s wedding that was up on the wall when it caught his attention. Her bow was missing from its spot among the frames.

“What the…”

His eyes began to pick up the bald spots scattered across the wall. Prim’s high school graduation, Katniss’ father, her childhood photos, all gone. He ran into the bedroom and pulled open the closet, only his clothes hung there. All her drawers were empty, her laptop, chargers, all her books and memory boxes. He ran up and down the apartment in a panic…her grandmother’s quilt, the small amount of jewelry she owned, her father’s jacket.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he opened more and more drawers and realized that she had removed herself from his life, what hurt most was noticing that she had taken things that were solely Katniss’. Nothing he’d gifted her, nothing they shared. Prom pictures, letters he’d written, linens, kitchen items, she left him behind. He was banging his head against the front door, when he looked toward the bowl in which they'd keep their keys to realize her house key was on the table. There was no questioning it. She was gone.

Peeta slumped down onto the floor and curled himself into fetal position. The pain in his heart was too much. She left him without as much as a good bye. In the short time that he was at work, she managed to somehow get all her things together and move out. How could someone so otherwise disorganized pack up and disappear in a matter of hours? 

It was so late, but he was so desperate. He began to call people. Prim was in a study group so he didn’t wake her but she didn’t sound surprised to hear from him, like she was expecting his call. She honestly had no idea where he could find Katniss, her sister had refused to share that bit of information for fear that Prim would cave into Peeta’s distress. Johanna didn’t answer her phone and Madge assured him Katniss was safe and well, but wouldn’t and couldn’t share her whereabouts with him. She listened as he cried his desperation onto the phone and very patiently offered to convince Katniss to talk to him when she was ready. It was the best Madge could offer.

Running in circles, chasing our tails, coming back as we are…

That was three days ago. He is standing in the lobby to the building she works in when he sees the security guards walk towards him. He digs his hands in his pockets and just shakes his head. These men know him from all the times he’s come to visit Katniss. He’s even sent them pastries and donuts on numerous occasions. He just laughs at them when they’re standing before him.

“I’m not doing anything wrong, guys. I’m just standing here, waiting for someone.” Peeta defends himself.

“Come on, man!” said one of the guards. “You know you can’t just hang out here.”

Peeta complied silently and walked off to the side to wait for Katniss to come out. She didn’t, nor the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that.

When he got tired of being escorted out of the building he took to standing across the street next to the newsstand. A patrolling officer asked him to keep on walking two days ago so now he buys the paper and pretends to read like any other patron. Rye suggested he shave insinuating he looked sketchy, not like that would help. He was positive that the constant hounding he was receiving was her doing. She was determined to avoid him at all costs. Still, Peeta waited, and still, no Katniss.

His conversations with Prim were getting more and more persistent. The gentle girl would listen and let him vent. She in turn would reassure him that it would all blow over eventually and then they could talk, not without begging him to be patient, he knew just how stubborn her sister could be. Peeta was beyond understanding anything. He can’t say he was surprised when Gale walked through the bakery door one Sunday morning, he was actually expecting it. It still hurt none the less. Gale was embarrassed and apologized on behalf of Katniss, which threw Peeta off guard, nobody had apologized for her. Gale continued claiming he thought she was over reacting but that was just his opinion. Peeta thanked him. Gale couldn’t stop staring at him. Peeta realized that he was unkempt, underfed and that the lack of sleep as of late was obvious on his face. Still he found Gale’s scrutiny uncomfortable.

“She looks no better than you do.” He said.

Peeta felt his eyes burn. Gale continued to stare. “Look, I won’t pretend I understand what happened with you, shocked as I might be, but man, I never thought I’d ever see you like this.”

Gale had always like Peeta although he’d been secretly jealous of him. Not over Katniss, their relationship had never been romantic, but because Gale always believed Peeta’s life to have been soft growing up, while so many others went without like his own family. But Katniss loved him and that was enough for Gale to soften up around Peeta.

Standing before him was someone else; a small crumbled man that seemed more like a boy than a man, desolate, lonely and miserable. Gale was only fourteen when his father passed away but his memories surrounding said event were very clear and for the likes of him can’t recall ever seeing his mother look so…so broken. He hated that word “broken”. How can any one person be broken like any inanimate object? But that is exactly what Peeta Mellark was, a broken shell of the person he used to be.

“Be strong, man.” were Gale’s final words.

Peeta went home after Gale’s visit. Rye offered to take over his shift with a sympathetic smile, apparently having overheard the conversation between the two men.

With his hands deep in his pockets, Peeta walked and walked and walked. There was no where he had to be, nobody that would be waiting for him. So he let his legs take him wherever they may. He watched people. He stared at the sky. He sat in a tree in one of the woodland hiking trails near his apartment. Katniss always made fun of his poor ability to climb, being that he was so heavy. Today he managed just fine. Was this a clue? Was this the sign he needed to get into his head that he’d lost Katniss? That he should let go? Let go, how do you let go of the only dream you’ve ever had that mattered to you? He’d give it all up, the bakery, his family, his life. He’d give her anything she wanted because without her there was nothing left. He often felt that he wasn’t really needed by anyone, those words never rang so true in his head, in his heart, than they do now. He didn’t sob, but the tears rolled down his cheeks nonetheless.

It’s such a shame for us to part.

________________

**Author's Note:**

> Song: “The Scientist” by Coldplay
> 
> This fic. began as a submission for PIP R3. Although it’s not exactly finished, it felt only right to submit something from this world to the Farewell Tour.
> 
> Thank you to misshoneywell for giving many of us the opportunity to become writers if only just for the fandom. Your hard work and creativity is greatly appreciated.


End file.
